When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, at what point does “love” become a “habit”?

A very long time ago, I was in a relationship with a very successful psychoanalyst. We would talk about life and each other for hours. One of our conversations centered around the difference between being “in love” and “loving” (some would argue - that’s splitting hairs but apparently in the Psychology world, that nuance is a big deal). He said that being “in love” was a transitional state. I asked, “Transition to what”? Ahhhhh. Ultimately transitioning to “loving” or not. At the time, i used those words interchangeably. He was right though - I was “in love” with him and I transitioned to “not” (it’s not a toggle, though - as stuff happened that influenced that transition).

What does this have to do with love being a habit?

In my opinion, love itself can transition to become a habit and those habits influence how we sustain the feelings of love.

Case to point. The amount of emotion when you’re “in love” with someone is definitely a whirlwind. Emotions can be both chaotic and peaceful. Bring happiness and sadness. However, in order for relationships to last, habits MUST be formed (think of it like feeding your fireplace another log - if you don’t, the fire dies). Love becomes a habit, because you have to routinely do acts of “loving” in order to sustain and nurture that love.

The kind of love I tend to prefer is the “enduring” kind. For me, enduring love is a choice and demonstrated through daily actions. It’s not entirely about the words (although it does reassure), it’s about re-doing the dish washing because your partner keeps missing the coffee stains at the bottom of the mug and you just shake your head and roll your eyes.

It’s forgiving idiosyncrasy without saying it. It’s about taking a day off from work because the one you love is available. It’s about driving an ungodly amount of hours to be near the one you love, for less time than it took to get there.

It’s about showing someone they’re loved, routinely.

Voila. There appears the habit.

The irony of it is that once love does become a habit, as habits go - it makes it harder to sustain “feelings” of being “in love”. I said earlier that being in love has that whirlwind emotion effect - the stuff you see in romance movies. We all want that too. But once love becomes a habit, it gets harder to “feel” love or loved.

I’m not exactly sure what the magic combination is for love and habit. I think though that at the very least, I shall make a routine of committing to myself and my man that I will love him unconditionally and to do that daily.